my mind is a minefield.
i take three steps into unmarked territory and something explodes in my face.
Turn away from the crowd and its fruitless pursuit of fame and gold.
Never look back as you close your door to the sorry tumult of greed and ambition.
Wipe away your tears of failure and misfortune.
Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still.
Be at peace; already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eye between two eternities.
Be unafraid; nothing here can harm you except yourself.
Do that which you dread and cherish those victories with pride.
Concentrate your energy.
To be everywhere is to be nowhere. Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure.
Reconsider your goals.
Before your set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what you desire.
Love your family and count your blessings.
Reflect how eagerly they would be sought if you did not have them.
Put aside your impossible dreams and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful.
All great achievement comes from working and waiting.
God’s delays are never God’s denials.
Know that your paymaster is always near.
What you sow, good or evil, that you will reap. Never blame your condition on others.
You are what you are through your choice alone.
Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.
Never meet trouble half way.
Anxiety is the rust of life; when you add tomorrow’s burden to today’s, their weight becomes unbearable.
Avoid the mourner’s bench and give thanks instead for your defeats; you would not have them if you did not need them.
Always learn from others.
He who teaches himself has a fool for a master.
Do not overload your conscience.
Conduct your life as if it were spent in an arena filled with tattlers.
If you see anything in you that buffs you with pride, look closer and you will find more than enough to make you humble.
Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature, yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him.
Work everyday as if it were your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will end at midnight.
Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is a luxury you cannot afford.
Seek out those in need.
Learn that he who delivers with one hand will gather with two.
Be of good cheer.
Above all, remember that very little is needed to make a happy life.
Cling simply to God and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile.
When you depart it will be said that your legacy was a better world than the one that you found.
I know the heart is a heavy thing
and if today you managed to lift it
a few inches off the ground,
I am proud.
You need to understand that there are no turning points.
Your life is not a movie and your fears will not disappear
as soon as someone loves you back. There are only moments
when the glimmer of light you are chasing seems closer
than the darkness that is always chasing you but in these moments
every single thing has been worth it.
And I know sometimes you only want it over, this neverending war
but the battle raging within ourselves is the only one worth fighting.
I do not believe in much, but of that-
of that I am sure.
In spite of it all be a force for good wherever you can. Every smile
to a stranger is a little victory. So smile now.
You are alive.
And please understand that victory
is not a sunrise to the zenith
victory is getting out of bed
and finding for the first time in weeks you are not so afraid.
Trust your gut, or whatever part of your life you believe in the most.
The only decisions I regret are the ones I didn’t really make myself.
Hope and wishful thinking are two different things, and only one is going to hurt you. The other is something to cling to
with everything you have, and never lose sight of.
Sometimes love is tenderness. Sometimes love is flowers and sometimes
love is a small patch of soil and a packet of seeds.
Love is never someone telling you how hopelessly broken you are
and telling you it’s good.
Remember the tides rise and fall and never meet but the sea goes on looking for itself on the other side of the world. Even the sea has hope
and it’s the biggest damn being on Earth.
Remember time is a concept that humans created and clocks may stop ticking but reality never runs out. Your chances are endless.
Remember every step back is another step you know how to take forward. Nothing’s ever wasted.
The last thing to remember is that however much they take from you, your demons will never be satisfied. And I know this is a terrifying thought
but it also means they are always fighting a losing battle.
However long the war goes on, there is only one possible winner
and the winner is you.
i’ll never have it all figured out
hell i have no idea what’s happening around me anymore
my mind feels like a prison and a sanctuary at once, littered with potholes in the place of memories and i don’t understand anymore what’s going on in there half the time
but i’m working things out, you know? it’s not getting easier, but it’s getting better. things aren’t grey 24/7. they’re down to 18hours a day. that’s improvement?
i’ll never know everything, i’ll never know the answers to why my life is this way, and maybe why i’m this way?
but somehow i’m okay with that.
yo fuck yellow fever, fuck the hypersexualization of asian women, fuck human trafficking and the mail order bride industry, fuck the stereotype that asian women are submissive and subservient and how that god awful stereotype is perpetuated in most of the media and literature including asian women written by old white men, fuck the fact that the u.s still has bases in the philippines and other parts of asia where #rape cases of u.s soldiers assaulting the women there are rarely if ever brought to justice
fuck imperalism, fuck rape culture, fuck the patriarchy
FUCK ALL THAT SHIT
but happy asian-pacific heritage month HAHA. we are not objects, we are not things, and our heritage is not something to be erased!!!!
it just occurred to me that recovery from long-time depression is a lot like re-learning how to walk. you crawl then you stand then you take your first steps then you walk. i’m learning to stand again and learning to put my life back together, but with the recent events it feels like i was learning to put my feet forward and then i fell. but i guess it’s just a matter of getting up again and learning how to keep going. my therapist said that it’s harder for me because i never realized just how long i’ve had depression, and that with the way that things are, i literally have to put my life back together from scratch. not many people have to do that, she said, and i’m courageous to be willing to face everything in the face because i want to be a better person.
i really do want to be better. i really do want to live a good life away from depression and the depressive tendencies i’ve had everyday since i was 13. i want to live the next 10 years without suicidal tendencies, unlike how i lived through my entire teenage life. i know depression never really goes away, but i want to know my triggers, i want to know how to handle them, i want to know how to handle me, i want to know me without the depression; i want to know me happy. it’s hard because i don’t know any of that; i don’t know a life that wasn’t clouded in before and after thoughts of this is temporary, because i am not supposed to be happy. i’m trying to be better, i’m trying to do good, i’m trying to be a good person that isn’t so damned lonely all the time. it’s hard. i’m building my life from scratch and i’m doing this on my own, but i’m just grateful now that i have people who are willing to walk with me at least through this really lonely journey, and i don’t have to be so alone anymore.
even if i am restarting my life at 23, free from all the demons that haunted me and pulled me down through my teenage years and made my life a living hell, even if i am trying to get back up right now while going through loss, even if i am trying to piece together an identity that is me without the burdens, even if i am facing memories i never knew i had and having to learn to trust my own body and my own memories not to betray me, even if i am coming to painful realizations about my childhood and past, even as i reclaim my identity at 23— at least i am learning to walk again. maybe one day i can walk and run towards the future without immense fear of what it might bring, without a lingering thought that all happiness is fleeting and i’ll never be happy. maybe one day i can face the future and embrace it. even if it feels like i’m restarting life at 23, at least i’m starting life at all.
WHATTUP YA DOINKS
Huge thanks to Todd Levin for being the guest this week on the Yo, Is This Racist? podcast. In this week’s final episode, we talk about dating outside your own race. This one might be a little obvious.
actually i think people should def talk about their ‘preferences’ if they’re for example a white guy who only dates asian girls, cause then people know to be skeeved and get the fuck outta there hahaha